I want to start out by talking about how much I truly like Germans. I don’t think I’ve met a German yet who is truly a dick. Really. I mean some are a little wonky I guess, but I think that’s pretty normal. But maybe my douchebag tolerance is pretty high since I grew up in the US where the motto is something like “BRO BIG OR BRO HOME”.


BBBUUUTTT I don’t know.

Anyway, there’s some really good people here in Germany. I enjoy them. I REALLY DO. I like the way they eat ice cream cones outside all year long like NBD. And how the old German people are the most adorable human beings I’ve ever seen on a bicycle. And I like the yoghurt here. And the amount of beer Germans can drink is appreciated. And Käsespätzle tastes nice. And it fascinates me when I see people sitting outside eating at restaurants when the weather is complete shit. It’s like they’re all “fuck you cold rainy weather I DO WHAT I WANT“.


I don’t understand it. If I even see a slightly dark cloud in the distance I’m like:


And I like when I hear Germans drunk singing together after leaving the bar. And the fact that they have pretzels/bread items for like every meal and in between meals is truly something to be admired. And when they say “Ja, genau!” it makes me smile. And I think it’s super cute that sarcasm is confusing and sometimes uncomfortable for them. And most of all I really enjoyed Heidi Klum’s performance in the first 3 seasons of Project Runway.

I guess I just think Germans are pretty decent people.


But the truth is: something has been troubling me lately. However, I wasn’t planning on saying anything about it. I’ve actually been letting it slide for quite some time now but yesterday I lost my goddamn mind and snapped. I just can’t keep quiet anymore.

It happened and I immediately felt like I was in Deadwood, South Dakota and someone had just blindsided me by robbing my brothel and stealing my women.


So I was at the grocery store shopping for some necessary items that likely included 2.99 euro wine, a chip,  and other personal goods that are frankly none of your goddamn business. Eventually I got in line to pay for my shit and check the fuck out of there. The lines in this store are almost always pretty much right out of your worst nightmare. They’re absurdly long and everyone’s crammed together unhappily just dying to get home to eat their newly purchased artificially cheese flavored snack. But I’m not even mad at this part because I’m pretty numb to this feeling by now.


Anyway, I had been standing in one of two lines for quite some time like a big idiot. Eventually I made it up to where they have the weird magazines set up with all the people I don’t know on the covers. i.e ALMOST [BUT NOT QUITE] TO WHERE I CAN START DREAMING ABOUT WHAT IT’LL BE LIKE TO START UNLOADING MY RED BASKET OF FILTH AND SHAME.

And then suddenly, like an angel sent down to save me from this pathetic life, I saw her

…a truly magnificent and rare species you don’t get to see too often in this sometimes tragic world.

I watched this new cashier glide toward us as swift and smooth as a cat, coming from the deep dark depths of the cereal aisle,  with nothing but her pure intentions of opening up a third line and whisking me away to a better place. And I felt like I could hear Morgan Freeman narrating the whole goddamn thing.


Fantastic. Everything will move along much quicker now. I MEAN IT HAS TO RIGHT, THAT’S HOW THIS WHOLE THING IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.

Now I’ll soon be home to my bottle opener and internet connection, whom are both eagerly awaiting for my arrival. At this point she was basically a fucking unicorn with a polo shirt on.


Because as I’m certain you’re fully aware, in a normal civilized world when a new line opens up next to two long ass pre-existing lines filled with miserable desperate people who have already been waiting for what feels like eternity, generally those poor saps are the ones given the fucking opportunity to have first dibs on conquering the new empty route.



But naahh, not here in Germany. It’s more like 100% NEIN.

They just don’t do that shit here. Instead, those assholes who have just been casually passing through with their stupid groceries and who have not even been waiting in any line at all yet FOR SOME REASON BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE ENTITLED TO BE THE FIRST TAKERS IN THIS NEW LINE AND THE REST OF US POOR BASTARDS DON’T MATTER.

And naturally they proceed to push their way to the front like they’re at a goddamn Rammstein concert.


And sure, maybe this would be okay if this was just like the first time this has happened. But it is not. I’ve seen this shit go down before.


ATM machines: You think you’re in one line waiting to get some cash out and live your best life, but nahh not going to happen – because suddenly a machine becomes available for your use but some fucking rando walks right up to it from out of the blue like there’s not a goddamn line of people standing there.


Waiting in line to order pasta: One time we were in line to order a simple pasta dish, and we were even holding our trays with silverware and everything, as one does when they’re preparing to eat a delicious fucking pasta dish.

And it was pretty obvious to the entire planet what we were doing. But then an ancient tiny lady just sort of weaseled her way in front of us with her empty idiot tray. Like no big deal guys. Like waaah I’m sooo old so I get to cut in line and order delicious pasta before anyone else blah blah blah my time on this Earth is limited so you have to give me pasta before you serve these other twats.

But it actually ended up being the best because Borja wasn’t having it.

He looked this broad straight in the eyes and said very seriously, “Umm…ENTSCHULDIGUNG?” which is basically the equivalent to “Oh no you di’int!” in English.

And then she glared at us, mumbled, and moved into a different line.


The Straßenbahn: Just try to wait your turn in line to get either on or off one of these fuckers. It’s impossible. The doors open up and everyone just goes ballistic and slams into each other. They don’t even consider waiting for everyone to get off the tram before they start piling on. I always think that some day it will be different, but it never is. It’s just a head-on collision every single goddamn time. 


Walking on a sidewalk: People like to walk on the sidewalk and then just stop in the middle of the sidewalk to do nothing. Just stand there and disrupt the sweet line of traffic trying to get somewhere that’s not the middle of a fucking sidewalk. **Same goes for shopping aisles. They just stop in the middle of an aisle and ruin my life.


Waiting in line to order falafel: Similar to the pasta situation but this time we were too slow and confused to realize what was happening. We sort of figured this lady was just asking a quick question, but nope, she just stood in front of us and ordered an entire goddamn meal instead and took the last table.


I just don’t understand where this comes from. I mean overall Germans seem to be really into processes and COMPLETE ORDER. And they’re pretty nice people, too. So what gives?

WHERE’S THE LINE ETIQUETTE? You guys learn like foreign languages when you’re practically babies still but you never learned to line. It’s like there’s a shit load of bilingual entrepreneurs stumbling around this country but they can’t figure out how a goddamn queue works.

Goddamn it, Germany. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE. I can help.