I posted not long ago about how amazing our shutters are. You know, the delightful treats that came with our apartment and are controlled by a remote control and can act as a wall and completely cover our windows and can hide us from wandering eyes AND AND AND AND ARE JUST BETTER THAN MOST OTHER THINGS.
Anyway, they broke. Well, the remote broke and now we can’t shut or open them. And all of our living room + balcony windows are stuck wiiiiiide open. We’re waiting for a replacement remote BUT WE’VE BEEN EXPOSED FOR WEEKS NOW. I didn’t realize at first that this would be horrible. But now I realize that this is horrible and I desperately need our beloved shutters back.
We haven’t bothered with curtains because we didn’t need to. And because we’re not rich like the Kardashians. And because our walls are like made of cement and I don’t even understand how to hang things on them. And mostly because WHY WOULD WE WHEN WE HAVE PERFECTLY GOOD SHUTTERS THAT CAN BLOCK OUT LIFE ITSELF.
But now it’s a crisis over here and I’m ready to start plastering newspaper clippings all over the glass like a goddamn serial killer.
The above picture is what’s happening to me on a daily basis. All of the windows in the gray building are doctors offices. Our windows are perfectly lined up and it feels so much closer in person. There are doctors in there dealing with weird and creepy body stuff Monday through Friday. And both them and their patients, if they choose to, can look out their windows and see me sitting on my big dumb couch with all of my weird and creepy body stuff. I CAN’T BLOCK THEM OUT ANYMORE AND I’M SORRY.
First things first, I am not a morning person. I never have been and I don’t think I ever will be. I can fall asleep at 9pm and still will wake up feeling like a pile of shit the next morning. I feel like one of those people who are put under during surgery but they’re actually still conscious and they can’t move anything – EVERY TIME I WAKE UP. So I have to force myself to get my ass up and wander around the apartment in order to regain control of my body. I drag my feet and look out our windows and stare with disgust at people who I know in my heart have already been awake for multiple hours.
And this is just the beginning for the offices across the street. They’re going to have to get a good look at me in my natural habitat for awhile. Like seriously, I’m going to be home for hours like this and it isn’t going to look like anything you see on Pinterest.
Eventually I make coffee, spill it everywhere, and start eating my first of many meals of the day. But I’m pretty much still a corpse so when I eventually get to the couch I’m slumped over and barely able to move.
I actually wonder if they ever feel a sense of responsibility for my well being. I kind of feel like at this point our living room is a part of their waiting room now. Like I’m just here in the mornings barely hanging on and waiting for my appointment every single day.
At some point I get myself sitting up right. Then I sit here for way too long wondering whether or not my morning “attire” is too offensive to the goddamn public who are now being forced to see me like this.
I usually end up just distracting myself from these negative and boring thoughts and decide to remain as is because goddamn it THIS IS MY HOUSE. And by distracting myself, I simply mean I just open up my laptop and start getting real deep into the internet. I sit back, stretch my legs out on the couch and am basically laying down again, and proceed to surfing the world wide web real hard.
This naturally ends with me on someone’s Facebook page that I shouldn’t be on. Like that one weird girl who I went to school with one hundred years ago who is now dating a 67 year old man with a tattoo on his neck and living in a van. Pretty certain we’ve never talked in real life and she has no idea who I am but so help me god I need to know what the hell she is posting on her wall immediately.
And because I’m invested now and I don’t have cable TV anymore, I just keep going. Before I know it, I am all the way back to 2011 in her Facebook crazy business looking at pictures of maybe her kid? It is at that moment I realize what a fucking creep I am and I wonder how many doctors across the street know how far I went today.
It is now the time of the day where I decide that I need to hold my cats and talk to them like they understand what I’m saying. I usually begin by picking them up and walking them around the apartment giving them “sniffing tours” of things on the walls. Then we go window to window and we talk about kitty space for awhile while I point at things that they don’t understand.
Their favorite window is the one facing the goddamn building that stares at me. I MEAN IT HAS TO BE, RIGHT. So I know these people must see me on the regular talking to my kittens and basically having an overall great time. I don’t see a lot of cats here in Karlsruhe, so I feel like these people just DON’T GET ME. I imagine that they must think I have a worker that comes here to check up on me and make me meals.
Things get pretty normal from here on out though. I eat some lunch and depending on when I have to go to work – I watch one of my stories. NOTHING CRAZY.
And I put on my make up and get ready for work.
I get an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for the fact that the people across the street can’t hear me talk.
Or know my thoughts, especially when I’m hungover.
I also always get paranoid that I’m going to get hungry and turn into a fucking monster when I am nannying the kids at work, so to ease my mind, I have second lunch real fast.
And usually at some point I see someone in one of the offices wearing what looks like a hospital gown. I sit on my couch and try to not stare, like I face forward but look over trying to get a glance of what the fuck is happening and more importantly WILL I SEE SOMETHING WEIRD OR GROSS. This ends quite quickly because someone always looks out the window, maybe sees me I’M NOT SURE, or maybe sees something else equally as terrifying, and shuts the dumb blinds.
After possibly getting caught sideways peeping by professionals and their patients – I leave my fish bowl and head to work and pretend like nothing shameful happened this day.
And this just happens on repeat because we have no choice because things are broken. It’s exactly like the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray except it takes place pretty much on my couch and I’m not a weatherman yet.
I would like to apologize to our neighbors and neighboring businesses during these dark and confusing times. I’m not sure what you have seen, but please do not call the law on me.