We went with a few friends to Europa-Park last Wednesday at the crack of fucking dawn so we could ride all of the good rides and not have to wait in gigantic lines with all of the little twerps who flood the park on the weekend. And it was reaaaally fun!
We walked to the Hauptbahnhof and to catch a bus to a town called “Rust”. It was there we met our friends (yes, believe it or not, we do have a few friends here assholes). Nothing unusual about this part of the story except for the fact that one of our friends indulged in an early morning coffee and donut from a nearby cafe and was warned after purchase that his donut was still FROZEN. He did not eat this donut until we got to our destination (an hour later!).
But before you start to wonder: NO THIS IS NOT THE EVIL THAT I SPEAK OF. I just think that it’s borderline psychotic that someone would hand out still-frozen donuts to innocent people and I want to shout it from the rooftops.
Anyway, we got to Europa-Park and the sun was shining and there were not many people there. It was fantastic. We walked around, got some pastries, stared at peoples dogs, and saw a group of Geese following around this old woman and her whistle:
Then we moved on to the roller coasters. I won’t go into details about all of them, just the two most important ones.
The Silver Star: this is the one that about killed me dead.
You go slowly UP UP UP high in the sky for what feels like forever. You hear the stupid scary sounds of the metal clinking while it climbs. You remember all of the shitty news stories of roller coasters fucking up and you wonder “IS TODAY GOING TO BE MY DAY”. Then you fall. You just fall straight down and you can’t scream loud enough. You feel like you’re slipping out of your seat. And then there’s approximately 232832 more steep drops until you’re done. It’s a nightmare.
We went on more rides, mostly roller coasters, and ate more. JUST A NORMAL DAY AT A THEME PARK, I THOUGHT.
Until we encountered the “Swiss Bob Run”. On Europa-Park’s website this ride is noted as the following:
what. in. the. actual. fuck.
This one straight up looked me square in the eye for an uncomfortable amount of time.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. They need to be killed with fire. And apparently dusted.
These creepy moving dolls are also at the Weihnachtmarkt during Christmas. I saw them last year and they were pretty terrible but not as sinister looking as these ones at Europa-Park. And you can’t escape these ones. You are forced to stand and wait in these tiny ass rooms in line and look at them looking back at you. I don’t get it. And you’re rewarded with what? THE SWISS BOB RUN???!!!?
Besides my brush with evil, Europa-Park was pretty good. 10/10 would rollercoaster again.
Things I would do differently next time:
Take more videos of the doll people and talk when they move their mouths so it looks like they are talking
Bring a whistle and see if the Geese follow me
Never go on Swiss Bob Run, just wait in line for doll people repeatedly