I know you’re probably like “oh no not another post about comparing kids to drunk people” but I don’t care because it’s fucking more real than anything I’ve ever known.

As you may know, I am working part-time as a Nanny for a German family with two young boys. The family is awesome and I really like the job. It’s random, funny, silly, and always different and new. It fits right in to my dream of not having a job where I have to do the exact same bullshit every single goddamn day until I turn into a robot.

Because this would be me walking into an “office job”:

robot

Brief examples of my current work days:

I show up one day and I’m playing a Lego bank robber with one arm who just stole gold FROM A BAKERY(??) and am being chased by the police who are for some reason equipped with poop guns, flying cars, and hoses that spray fire. (Spoiler alert: I never escape and am always put in jail for “100 and thousand hours” **this is not a typo).

I show up the next day and we’re looking at disgusting bugs in the garden until we ultimately decide that it’d obviously be a much better idea to build an elaborate secret hide-out made from dirt, twigs, leaves, garbage, and anything else that we find on the ground. Immediately after we’ve put way too much blood, sweat, and tears into this project and EXACTLY right when I start to feel like things ARE REALLY STARTING TO COME TOGETHER YOU GUYS – there’s yet another change of plans: it’s suddenly time for the hide-out to be bull-dozed by a tiny 3-wheeled bicycle so that we can go inside and I can watch them eat yoghurt and pretzels for an absurd amount of time.

lovesurprises

So 100% yes – it pretty much feels like every day I’m showing up to a two person party that went on for way too long. It’s like they’ve been day drinking all day and I just got off work and show up to the house dead sober only to find these two little guys stumbling around all sloppy and borderline incoherent. And it’s my job to entertain them and make sure that they don’t die or break the entire fucking house. Every single day. 

Here’s how it goes:

I walk up to the house and the door opens slowly before I even get to it and all I see is a miniature person standing there with a crooked smile and he says “I’ve been waiting for you”.

ivebeenwaiting

Then I get pulled upstairs to where they’ve been “playing” and it’s a fucking disaster. Clothes everywhere. I step on pointy things. There’s puddles of liquid. I see food crumbs all over the floor. Something smells creepy. I don’t ask questions. I just sit and know that I need to act fast.

I start talking and asking questions, trying to keep things LIGHT AND FRESH. I ask, “What did you do today?” and the older one doesn’t say a word because he’s too busy staring at his own goddamn finger (previous whereabouts of finger unknown but I have some solid guesses). So I shift my focus on to the smaller one and try to engage him in conversation. But before I can even open my stupid mouth – he puts his fingers on my lips to prevent me from talking clearly. They both laugh hysterically and this is repeated for the next 10 minutes.

drunklaugh

Things go pretty smoothly for awhile, but then things start to take a turn. The small one suddenly remembers that his mom isn’t home, so he begins to stumble around mumbling. Tears begin to slowly form. He’s confused. Lost. Seems to forget for a moment who I am and eventually starts quietly sobbing.

drunksnooky

I pick him up and bring him to the window to look outside. I start talking about all of the things that I can see and eventually he gets distracted and forgets he was even sad. He then decides that a better thing to do would be to bang on the window and yell at people on the street walking by. And eventually the older one grows jealous because my attention has been elsewhere for 5 minutes. Things get temporarily weird.

drunkyell

After I’m finally able to cool down the situation with a few bags of gummy bears and everyone is relaxed enough again, I spend the next hour+ following both of them around, trying to catch them before they fall and helping them back up after they do fall. I’m telling you, this goes on for awhile. THERE IS JUST A WHOLE LOT OF THIS HAPPENING CONSTANTLY.

drunkfallingss

At some point there’s a “disagreement”. The little one accidentally pummels through a fort made out of couch cushions built by the older one. This does not go over very well and it leads to yelling and awkward tiny people fighting.

bear-fight

I’m eventually able to calm things down but before I can feel somewhat successful they suddenly decide that they require food. Nothing else matters now.

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And watching them eat is incredible. I feel like a toddler eating anything is the most drunk person thing ever.

1.) No matter what it is, it ends up everywhere. Face, body, walls, on me, everywhere.

2.) It fell on the floor and requires a spoon to eat it? Not a problem. WILL STILL TRY TO EAT.

3.) They’ll try to con you into feeding them something that they know they SHOULDN’T be eating.

4.) They lick the silverware, dishes, and any remaining packaging of whatever food item was given.

5.) One finishes their food before the other one? Let the games begin. 

TL:DR it’s exactly this:

drunkeating

After eating we go outside. They’ve got a huge backyard filled with hills, trees, a sandbox, a garden, etc. It’s a dream. The day in the yard usually ends with me holding the little ones hand/arm while he tries to walk up and down the cement stairs while screaming hello repeatedly at the neighbors (which just sounds like “HAAOOO”). Off in the distance the older one will proclaim, “I MUST MAKE PEE” and proceed to pee on/in/around a bush faster than I can even comprehend. Inside/Outside, it does not matter. It’s time to party 24/7.

yardparty

Even out in public IT’S THE SAME. I rode the tram with the older one a few weeks ago and he has no problem with 1.) singing a made up song loudly on crowded public transportation and 2.) pointing at and talking out loud about another person who is on said public transportation.

Between all of this and the funny shit they say/do the entire time, I’ve realized that they just don’t care. They are my Monday-Friday party people. I just finally now get paid for it.

drunkhighfive

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